We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Are my feet made of real feet?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pants are for mortals
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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