No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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