Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
