Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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