you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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