just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
