Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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