On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
