Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
