maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
