need another drink. this is the easiest way
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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