So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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