The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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