i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
