i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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