i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize