There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
