wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
