I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
