just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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