if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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