Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
