My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.