Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing