2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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