I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
