Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Randomize
