Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
