Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
