I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
