I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
