I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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