Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
this just has baby written all over it
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
