whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
