He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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