I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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