she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
