I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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