Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
