i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
