Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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