I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
