Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
