He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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