She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just blew my weed a kiss
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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