i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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