it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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