how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so let's talk penis.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
