Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
