For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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