New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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