sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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