She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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