Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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