I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
