We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
