What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
