You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
