I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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