She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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