Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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