I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
