i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
