dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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