Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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